longing

There’s a place in my soul I mostly try to ignore. It’s the place envy is born, the place where my reach will always exceed my grasp, because as soon as I’ve grasped whatever it is I have ceases to exist. I’m aware of this place, it’s a neurotic little center of me. A place I wish I could heal over, but never have.

It keeps chewing on my brain. This little part of me that keeps telling me I’m not good enough, that the ex is how it’s always going to be. That we’re going to stall out, the boat’s going to crash on the rocks. That someday he’s going to look up at me, and I’m going to think I’m going to the dance, and instead I’m going to be going to a football game.

It’s not that I want it all right now…I just want it all right now. I rationally get that now isn’t the time, or the place, and that grabbing greedily for it will just end in the same emotional turbulence I’m having about Mr. Wayne. I get it.

But it doesn’t stop me from being scared. From wanting. From trying to see there from here and being terrified the fog will never lift.

This little part of me is welcome to shut up, any time it wants.

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One Response to “longing”

  1. I am the same way. It’s eerie how many others I know that suffer the same.

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