Archive for May, 2008

linear

Posted in cusak with tags on Fri, 23 May, 2008 :: 143/21 :: 10:06:39 +0000 by anaïs' little sister

This might as well be titled “Parents, Part 2,” although it has nothing to do with last night’s entry.

I was invited to go with Cusak up to his parents house this weekend (it being a holiday and all). They live in the wilderness (hinterlands, non-urbania, whatever you want to call it) and I actually said I couldn’t go. I’d love to meet his parents, I’d love to see the place they live…hell, I think the whole thing is actually pretty cool.

But I just can’t do parents before sex. And that’s where we’re at. Still at the lack of sex.

So, instead I’m staying home, just me and the internet.

He says he’ll miss me.

parents

Posted in dad with tags on Thu, 22 May, 2008 :: 142/21 :: 18:40:21 +0000 by anaïs' little sister

“I don’t know how to exist in a world where my dad doesn’t.”

This entry wasn’t supposed to be this, but this week I think this is all there is. I’m pinning my heart to the wall, and someday I’ll look back at this and wince, but…this week, that’s all there is.

My dad’s been dead for six years. I live with the fact that I disappointed him, but I don’t know what else I could have done. I had to be me, and sometimes that’s not who your parents expect you to be.

I grew up in a world he made. Carefully. He edited it and lied to us, and I believed it because when you’re a child, these things are bigger than you. They’re so big you can’t do anything but believe. So I believed.

I believed when he said he contracted the disease that killed him from an act of charity. But I knew my father was an alcoholic. A drug user. Who knows how it happened? I never will. And I’m supposed to feel all this guilt and pain over the fact that he’s gone.

But part of me is just glad it’s over.