It’s a constant, the absence. No matter which one I’m in bed with, I’m aware that the other isn’t there. I close my eyes to brown ones, wake up to blue, it doesn’t matter. I’m conscious of it.

Complimentary, and different. One is like gravity, always there, always pulling. Needs me, and isn’t afraid to make it clear. Tells me so, asks after me, puts me on a pedestal. Holds me up and says I’m perfect. (I’m not. I’m flawed. We’ll get to that eventually, sometime when I’m ready to dig into the dark night of my soul.)

The other seems like he could leave me behind. Maybe that’s the appeal. That as I am aware of the distance, I know it closes by choice, not habit or addiction. I wonder if it’ll ever be bridged. I wonder if he holds me at arms length to keep from getting hurt by the fact that there are two of them.

I won’t tell either, but I need them both. I need the reflection of myself as perfect, flawless, sparkling like a diamond in the sun. And I need the space, the freedom, the impossible single moments of romance, tumbled up in silence, broken apart by laughter as we both flinch from intimacy. I’m addicted to the conspiratorial whispers and the praising tones.

Everything is found in the cracks in between.


One Response to “need”

  1. This strikes me.

    The reflection, the everything, the cracks, the distance.

    Thank you for your compliments as well.

    ~ MS

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